Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Life in the brain parte dos!!!

    So the other morning I woke up in hysteria, something I could never have dreamed (no pun intended) of happened. I have decided my mind is secretly a genius. Lets face it my brain is its own entity and loans me functionality from time to time. Anyway thats beside the point. My brain told me a joke that at first I did not get and about ten seconds later I got the joke. Not only did I wake up from my slumber laughing, but I woke up absolutely dumbfounded I'm so smart that my brain told my brain a joke and it didn't get it. If you are laughing cause you think that this is impossible I will tell you these two things. 1. You are stupid 2. My cranium is awesome! Then again this is the brain that had one of my mission companions dressed up in a shark costume while I was throwing bombs at him while he was chasing me.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Random thoughts that occur to me during the day.

If a zombie epidemic happened today how would I survive?
Would being robbed at my work actually make it more exciting and less of a bore?
If I had to eat a part of my body because there was a food shortage, what would I eat first?
Would I make a good villain in any movie?
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
I could take on 80% of the WNBA.
I would be the star on any sitcom.
I wish I could travel back in time and bet on sports games, Back to The Future style. (It's not gambling if you know your going to win)
I wonder if I could eat the largest donut ever made. Answer... YES!
I wish that work was like sports, if you don't get along or don't like a co-worker you can trade them for a first or second round draft pick.. . Or even request a trade, everyone know sometimes new scenery makes a difference.
What would I do if I had superhuman powers?
What superhuman powers would I possess? I definitely wouldn't be the power to make my nails longer.
If I had a one week do over what week would I go to?
If I had a machine gun would I fire upon a flock of big birds in the sky. We all know the answer to this question!

Sunday, October 24, 2010


      Around the time huntin season begins, I start to get questions about proper huntin techniques. Like this one I got from my mailbag just this last week. "what do i do if im confronted by a bear". Brigger Dance, Florida.
      well my friend over the years I have come up with a few does and don'ts when it comes to bears. I think it is best to start with the common misbeliefs and what is wrong to do when confronted by a bear.

1. Do not play dead. Why? Did your sweet mama ever set out a nice plump turkey for sunday dinner? Did you ever think. "awe man this thing is dead i don't want to eat it"? My friend your just asking your askin em to salt and pepper your hide and make some nice white boy jerky.

2.They say to make as much noise as possible within 50 feet of a bear or if your with a group to stand together and make your presence known. Well boy the asnwer is negatory. Let me answer this question with a question. In world war 2 and that little skirmish we like to call the war of 1812, did they stand together and scream and yell at the enemy for intimidation?
   Just by doing that you have givin up the element of surprise. You try to sneak up on that bear like you would if you were going to that chick flick all the ladies were talkin bout'. Your there but, your not.(also see combat tactics vs. bears)

3.What to do when one da dem little furry bears comes up wantin to cuddle like like its the 1960's? They say bear spray works the best. I say take your fuzzies out of your purse. this is the time heavy machinary works best. It is also known as a heat seaking rocket launcher.(which can be purchased at your local sportin n shackels) This will neutralize your enemy into a couple pieces.

K, now that we have covered the don'ts and most of the do's we will cover more do's.

1.When a bear comes at you like a japanese kamakazee you this is were your manstinks come into play. Your first instinct will be to play a lil hide and seek. Did you ever like being "it"? No one does this makes the bear mad, resulting in either a decapatation or death. If you ain't moving, the bear can't see you. You make like a tree, then leaf.

2. If you move and are caught in any of these senarios then you will do the following.
-Bear has detected your presence, but is more than 100 m (350 ft) distant. You will want to play salmon, if your blendin in to his enviroment he will be at ease with you. You will also have to lose your clothing too. Nothing points you out more than cloths even camo.

-Bear has detected you and shows signs of aggression.
   this is were we get into combat tactics vs. bears. he's agressive... this is were you be aggressive, be be, agressive. This will be your first win vs the bear.
   the second thing you will want to do is act as small as possible like a squirrell or a beaver, being on all fours almost spread eagle will also be of help.
   When you have finally engaged in combat with a deadly bear you have already figured out he has got a least 450 pounds on you. Don't let this be discuraging. You are most definatally more agile. running around him punching its kidneys will cause fatigue in this killin machine.
    To top off this bear you must play the pick to fingers game (be sure to cause kidney failure first) as the bears mobility is almost now disable because of internal bleeding. After poking the eyes out of this brutal monster be sure snap its neck and skin it. Makes for a good bedspread. Nothing like waking up to a bear head every mornin.

Now that I have turned some bear myths and turned you into a lean mean bear killin machine i will submit this here blog into the world wide web.

 -Ranger Beames